Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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