Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
