if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
