woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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