Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
