You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize