How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
