Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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