A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Randomize
