I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
