she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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