I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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