Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
time to smoke my breakfast
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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