I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
