My liver just broke up with me...
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
