Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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