this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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