i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
