hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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