I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
