The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You're like the curious george of whores
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
So here I am, sexting at work.
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