I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
