I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
