Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
