I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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