Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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