a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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