three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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