Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
