Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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