I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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