I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
