Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
