I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
