I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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