one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
