omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
