You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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