She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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