my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
