i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
