As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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