just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
high people should be assigned attendants
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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