I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
