Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
