Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
