Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
