Porn is love you can see.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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