you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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