So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
