I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
