DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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