He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
