We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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