he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
