i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize