I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
