I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize