I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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