I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
