explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
