while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
