My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
