At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
