I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
