Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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