I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
