cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
